more ranch, anyone?

*forgive typos and shorthand. tonight i write with sleeping bebe on my other arm.

lastnight i dreamt of the disgustingness that was fake meat and cheese. this is significant due to the fact that i have temporarily, willingly (not for any outrageous diet nor love of living things) given up eating anything from an animal. so, yes there are times i lust after meat and cheese...but that passes. and, to this point, my cravings have yet to drive me into despiration. despiration, for me looks like a scene from the above mentioned dream--holding out my hand to accept these expensive substitutes for what i really want that will never taste as good no matter how much ranch is involved!

i love that God speaks to me in MY specific language. only He knows how much of a textures person i really am. no mushy canned-turkey-like-meat-substitute will ever replace a juicy thigh morsel. nom nom.

it's also appropriate that He would show me how disgusting it is to indulge in a substitute. in this case, an over-priced tasteless over-processed pre-formed piece of yuca sold in an attempt to satisfy a craving for well-seasoned cooked flesh of a fattened farm animal...preposterous! at what cost will i submit myself to that which is counterfiet?

so, what? i had a stinky fake-meat dream. no. i dreamt about trying to find satisfaction in the wrong form of what's right.

for you and me, that may look a myriad of ways, but it seems the most obvious paralell to draw is by following the words counterfeit and substitute with the word love--conterfeit love, substitute love. of which i have no interest in.

so, why, if i believe in the real thing (love), but have been intentionally obstaining from Godly relationships that may lead to that, do i dare to hold out my hand to accept an emotionally expensive counterfeit?!

you ask...

1-how do i "hold out my hand?" i've held out my hand by batting my eyes (and other things) in the general direction of incredibly kind, attractive, interesting young men who (here's the kicker) are a- emotionally unavailale, b- more interested in their drug-of-choice than their God-of-choice, or c- forget to be gentlemanly over being charming. and oh, i've been charmed. more ranch, anyone?

2-how do i know it's counterfiet? i've been charmed. not intentionally. actually, i've been told in so many words that "this is NOT real meat." and i've been shown. something i'd never do with real meat 'cause it wouldn't need it, dipped in ranch. we dip in ranch everytime we eat. and don't get me wrong, RANCH IS GOOD. it would just be out of place on a filet. but a yuca stick needs some enhancing.

yuca is expensive. *sigh* sadness from "i miss you"s and building discipline to not jump into his arms is a high cost to pay for tasting something that, in the end, doesn't taste or feel like the real stuff anyways.

so, to tie this all together, that temptation does continually arise to open my hands (er heart) to the fake stuff...but i trust my will is stronger than these cravings. i will not be driven to despiration. no more ranch.